Looking after my Granddad

A slightly different entry. don't really want to write about the work situation anymore. So I wanna write a little about the past 10 days where I've been looking after my granddad.

We've had a carer looking after my granddad for the past 4 years, but recently she had decided to move back home  to start a family, we really didn't want her to go, because she is simply wonderful. So friendly and good at looking after my granddad. There's been times I had to tell her to stop working because it's obvious she was not feeling well, but with a very strong sense of duty, she will never rest until the job is done. A really good cook too, never really made anything we didn't like.  She even got my granddad eating healthier!

As for my Granddad, although we lived together in the same house as a kid, I don't really have that many special memories of him, I can only remember 2 occasions, I remember he once bought my brother and I a plastic toy sword once, that was something my grandma would never allow us to have, for the fear that we would fight and poke each others eye out. as you might be able to imagine she was not pleased when she found out. The other memory I have is he was too busy gambling and forgot to pick me up from the school bus drop off point when I was 4 years old. I remember I was both really scared and really excited.

I don't want to go into too many details, but it's sufficient to say my granddad and grandma did NOT get on at all, and I don't mean the odd argument here and there, I mean they don't like each other. If you think that's only a front and they must really love each other deep down, I'm afraid you are wrong. They were put together via an arranged marriage, so they had no connection to begin with and it might be safe to say they never really developed a relationship.


My grandma is one the people I love the most in this world. What she thinks/feel matter to me more then anything else. Its a case of; if you upset her, I will hurt you. I don't care what you did or if you are even in the right.

Don't worry I didn't hurt my granddad, even though the 2 of them have been at war with one and another as far back as I can remember and knowing how badly my grandma was treated by him, i tried my best to not hold a grudge against him, even when many members of my family have been.

My Grandma left us quite a few years ago now. Back then I still lived in UK, we came back to visit her once every few years and she flew to UK a few times too. but I never really had a chance to live with her since I was 8 years old.  In a way I feel really guilty I never had the chance to look after her, to treat her better or called her more often. Which made it difficult for me to look after my granddad.


I used to feel like, if my Grandma is looking down at us, she would be mad at me, but seeing how helpless my Granddad could be I really couldn't do it and I feel like I'm betraying my Grandma, i felt terrible but I really didn't want to treat my Granddad like other members of my family does. Even if he is not my granddad I'm not sure I can be cold as they are, that's right my very own family! Perhaps they know more about the damage my Granddad had done, but its that a suitable reason for us to ignore him? to only provide him with the barest of essential? I can't do it? I can't let him struggle on his own, to be as confused as he is is sad enough. It's hard to admit it, but I do love him very much, perhaps it will never compare to how I feel about my Grandma. but promise myself I will treat him with love and respect, to do all i can to make his life as comfortable as I physically can. To help him in any way possible.

I think despite what evidence I've seen over the years regarding their relationship, deep down in my heart, I know my grandma would still be proud of me. 

Fate is a mean mofo

If fate was a person he/she would be the meanest mofo on the planet. so many games, so many layers and so many disappointments. He/she would also speak a forgotten language, which is why none of us really know what the heck is going on. whether a good news really is a good news, perhaps a good news looks good until it drops you on your ass taking all your plans and strength down the deepest shit hole.

I'm trying oh so hard to make sense of what my steps are and what I need to do, still after each decision I make, the answer would laugh in my face while stomping at my balls, to choose freedom also mean to choose poverty. Is that what live is suppose to be? work to chase hopeless dreams for what that little bit of cash the rich folks drops from their bulging wallet. It seems you only get respect when you have money and the only way to have money is to have money in the first place. If you are poor, there's little you can do but to whore out your youth, hoping desperately for the crumbs to finally fall to the floor.

I accept I currently know very little, and I would have to scarfice to gain the knowledge I need to make it on my own. What I will never accept is that, my life is to leave my soul at my own front door every monday morning and to never touch it until friday evening. Only allowing it out during the tired weekends.

I will not allow my work to change who I am, I will find myself again, I will rise above each challenge and learn from each lesson.  Fate may play his/her games but I will not be the loser

The best and worst

The places we go,
the friends we make,
the moments we share,
the happiness there were,
the goodbyes we say.

I hate saying Good Bye, but alas that's life.
If I haven't spoken to you for a while, I am sorry. Lets hope we will get to catch up soon :)